Is All Creativity a Form of Mania?

Currently listening to: Halsey’s album, Manic.

“I'm my own biggest enemy

Yeah, all my empathy's a disaster

Feelin' somethin' like a scaly thing

Wrapped too tightly 'round my own master”

Song: “I Hate Everybody” by Halsey

The title isn’t a question I intend to answer… at least not in any sort of scientific way. I don’t know anything scientific about mania. It is, however, something I experience.

If anyone had been watching me closely during my recent obsession with MrBeast, they would have labeled it that way. In fact, my husband did… but for him, it’s an experience that occurs as frequently as noticing the grass needs to be mowed.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about mental health issues in the last few years, it’s that everything is a spectrum. I have always existed on this spectrum (ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression) in an area where it’s not bad enough for meds, and not good enough for consistent conscious living. Perhaps it’s akin to being a “functional alcoholic.”

Though, I would argue with the word “functional” these days. 😂

As I write this, I am in the brief period between obsessions. I’m looking back on the first few months of 2023 and noticing that every two to three weeks, I was getting on the phone with my life coach and explaining some new thing. “This is it!” I’d cry. “I finally figured out my THING!”

…Only to walk it back a few weeks later.

First, it was a deep-dive on the consequences of mindless scrolling, and the suggestion that people bring more consciousness to this, go outside more, and talk to people in real life. (ironic)

Then it was a completely unbridled obsession with Jimmy Donaldson (MrBeast) and not just his YouTube videos, but his podcast interviews. I watched over 20 hours of interviews. That’s just the number I got when I stopped to track, but I kept going after this…

I was fascinated by HIS manic way of having become the biggest YouTuber in the world. I dug deeper than most reporters have (apparently) because there are things I know about him, and his past, that I have yet to find in even one article. I know stuff that could be headline news if I wanted to be the asshole to scoop the story. Alas, I do not. I don’t even know this kid, but I care far too much about him and his family to do him dirty.

I share all of that simply to illustrate just how obsessive I got for a hot second there.

I felt connected to him, and also wanted to save him from himself.

[Note: wanted to save myself from myself. This is called projection, kids.]

Does Jimmy need saving? Fuck if I know. But probably? I think most super successful/famous people are not right in the head, but this is about me…

“Infatuation's observation with a cause

But none of it is love…”

Song: “I Hate Everybody” by Halsey

My next obsession was a twitter alternative called BlueSky, a fixation that has only ended due to an influx of well-known posters showing up on the app and completely ending my ability to appear on the “What’s Hot” page.

I was invited to this closed beta a little over three weeks ago by a twitter acquaintance. There were less than 10k people on it. To give you an idea of the difference… there are 450 million people on twitter.

The experience was indescribable. I met so many lovely people, reignited my love of writing random songs, and was gaining 100 new followers every three days. I even got listed on a visual graph of active users under the “Terminally Online” label.

“Think I took it way too far

And I'm stumbling drunk, getting in a car

My insecurities are hurting me

Someone, please come and flirt with me

I really need a mirror that'll come along and tell me that I'm fine”

Song: “3am” by Halsey

Similar to the MrBeast weeks, it was all I could talk about. My husband actually started an account just to be able to connect with me. (He has already deleted this account) (He is back to zero social media accounts)

Before the influx of people who stole all the attention, I was having SO much fun vibing with strangers and having a little escape from the horrors of the world.

I will still post things there (I have four people waiting for requested songs I still intend to write) but the manic period has ended. I’m weirdly thankful to all of the reporters, political activists, and popular twitter shit-posters for taking this one away from me.

Where does this leave me now?

If I look back, I can’t find a period of my life in which I wasn’t hyper-obsessed with something.

The truly inconvenient epiphany here is that this is typically where my success comes from.

When I go, I go hard.

I zero-in on creation.

If I can’t get obsessive about something, I typically don’t do it.

This was challenging for me in my primary relationship. Once the honeymoon period ended, I couldn’t figure out how to stay stimulated in the relationship long-term.

It was the same with coaching. I tried to quit around year two, but that same day I picked a fight with Justin, and he stormed out of the apartment. I remember sitting on the couch as the door slammed and saying out loud, “Oh.”

My coach had pointed out to me that the way we do one thing is the way we do everything, and in that moment I saw it.

I chose to reinvent my relationship with coaching, as well as with my husband. I have reinvented both of these things many times, which is why I have been married AND have been a coach for over a decade.

Perhaps I’m due for reinvention of my creative process, which is why I’m now feeling a hesitancy to dive into anything new.

I haven’t checked in on MrBeast in a while, and Bluesky is deleted from my phone. 

It’s the calm before the storm, and I’d rather avoid the next hurricane. 

“Who I am, what I'm on

Who I've hurt and where they've gone

I know that I've done some wrong

But I'm tryna make it right

The same mistakes on and on

To all my friends, I'm sorry for

You know that I love you

But I'm still learnin' (I'm still learnin') to love myself”

Song: “Still Learning” by Halsey

Right now, consistent weekly writing here seems like a step in a healthy direction.

This morning, a friend of mine pledged to pay $8 a month for this Substack. 

She’s someone who always supports whatever I’m doing voraciously, and I love her for it. I do want to allow people who wish to support me to be paid subscribers, but I’m afraid I will then start to over-promise extra content, and thus this space will become my new place to be manic OR to give up.

How can I do this in a sustainable way?

I’m still unsure.

I’m gonna give myself a one-month holding period before I’m allowed to turn on paid subs. Even then, I will need to write a pretty compelling plan for how to do it in a way that doesn’t hijack my every waking moment.

I have always been of the mind that one should empower their natural creative process. To go with it, allow the flow. However, if one’s creative process it to get high on meth… perhaps not 😊

“It’s crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment… let that sink in.”

Song: “Graveyard” by Halsey

Please leave a comment, I suspect many of you relate to this and would love to get a convo going…