hello from inside of the mania!

this is very lightly edited stream of consciousness

If you’re just joining us, a few weeks ago I wrote about my tendency to get hyper-fixated/obsessed/manic about one person/thing and disappear into it/them.

Along with this comes bursts of creative fuel and motivation, but like aiming a fire hose, it’s difficult to pull this off in a way that isn’t a waste of water. Or perhaps, I simply can’t do it alone.

[Wow I REALLY like that metaphor!!]

So, I wrote about that a few weeks ago when I was in the “calm before the next storm,” but then… the storm arrived. In the form of a guy named Rob Hardy.

I am speaking to you now from the inside of the storm.

HOW META CAN SHE GET, FOLKS?

I’m painfully aware that this may seem unhinged, yet I’m okay with it. At least, I am right now. We’ll see what I think in a few weeks 🤣

Side note: this 🤣 is called “rolling on the floor laughing emoji” but I like to think of it as “uncomfortable laughter emoji” do not you agree?

Alright, on with the story…

I met Rob Hardy during my BlueSky obsession (also referenced in that previous essay)

Here’s the post that started it all…

Rob was first to reply…

I got right on it, in that super inspired, run to the keyboard kinda way. I looked up any former interactions we’d had and read some of his tweets. I clicked on this manifesto from his pinned tweet, saw that it was extremely well-written and fascinating, and made a mental note to come back to it when I had the time.

The song came to me with zero effort.

I then went on to write six other songs about other people who’d made requests

(this consumed me, but in a mostly good way. After all, it was the weekend when I did most of them, and it got me making music. net positive already, but then it led to even more…)

About a month later, I had moseyed back over to twitter to lurk and make posts that hardly anyone sees, but that help me organize my thoughts… and I saw this:

I was intrigued. And then…

And thus…

OUR BOOK CLUB WAS BORN:

At the time of this writing, 37 people have signed up 🙂

Side note: this emoji 🙂 is called “slightly happy” and I think of it more as “sweet lil smile”

But then we kept talking, both publicly and privately. I can summarize it all by saying:

WE WERE TOTALLY VIBIIIIING.

Were/Are, truthfully, because as I said… I’m still in it now.

It’s a funny thing to write an essay about an issue you face, and then weeks later, be IN that issue trying to learn more about it… from inside of it.

Yet that is the funny thing that I am doing.

I think if someone else wrote a post like this, I would love the fuck out of it, and I wanna make more of what I wanna see in the world.

SO… where was I? Oh right, VIBING.

Yeah, Rob and I vibe hard. This video is a perfect demonstration.

That manifesto I mentioned earlier is also available in podcast form. Rob will probably love/hate that I am sharing this here. Suck it, Hardy. I share good shit.

I listened to this and felt an uncanny kinship with him.

He was saying things I have 1. Also said, 2. Also felt, and 3.Have long-wished for other people to say out loud.

The tl;dr is that he is suggesting an entirely new way to look at marketing… through a lens that will essentially heal all of the coercion and mistrust that has become so ubiquitous in our world.

I sent it to a client who was struggling with the whole landscape of life coach marketing…

You guys, I <3 him.

And it’s either a sign of self-love, narcissism, or both(!) that what draws me to him is that I see so much of myself reflected in him. Plus, some things I want to embody more of that are laying dormant inside of me.

Actually…

It feels as though I am understanding myself better through understanding him.

Is this perhaps what all relationships are for?

Come to think of it… I’ve long subscribed to the Marianne Williamson idea that all relationships are spiritual assignments:

Hmmm yes. Good. So…

the assignment here is only just taking shape

However, the part that I AM aware of is something around this obsession thing.

Now, I have been in MANY relationships that started this way, both romantic and platonic. Hell, my relationship with my husband began this way. As did most of my close friendships.

Now:

• I have examples of times that we (me and some other person) moved through the obsessive bit, building something magical in its wake.

• I also have examples of times that we (me and certain others) took it too far and ruined it. Got so into each other that we neglected other parts of our lives, and had no other option but to end the relationship. (relationshit?) (sorry, i grew up listening to dane cook)

The latter have been some of the most painful (yet oddly soul renewing, in the end) experiences of my life.

Still, I am not keen on creating more super painful experiences such as those. I would love some new lessons instead!

If you haven’t noticed, one of the ways I am interrupting my pattern is by writing about this while it’s happening. I even talked about it a bit with Rob publicly on my podcast on Friday. I mention it right at the beginning, and again at some point towards the end.

Yesterday, I told him that talking to him feels the same as binging a netflix show I just found and LOVE.

I’d like to spread the episodes out instead.

As I’m writing this, I notice that I’m still in a problem/fix mindset.

I’ll utilize brilliant tweets from my next podcast guest Rachel Clifton to illustrate this point…

Ooooo, I’m getting something from re-reading those. I need to look at what I WANT TO CREATE. Separate of any “problem” currently arising.

One thing I remember from my past mistakes in relationships, was that I got so into the other person that I neglected the things that made me feel most alive. This has happened to me with multiple music partners in the past, and even though I was doing music, I was still neglecting something.

I was forcing myself to like the music they liked, for example.

Or… I was spending more time talking to them than my family.

Or… I was filtering everything I did through the lens of what they might think of it. 

(also known as codependency)

Being pulled into toxic sludge, that’s what these things felt like… until they felt safe and warm and I forgot I was in toxic sludge. All I knew was that I felt less cold.

I need to warm myself.

Toxic sludge is only inviting when your number one priority is getting warm.

[i love THIS metaphor, too!]

And I know I’m referencing the past when I just posted all those Rachel tweets about creating the future not from the past… but the reason I went there is because I’m remembering a lesson I have already learned.

I’m just remembering it right fucking now, instead of later on when it’s too late! omg

The lesson is: always be creating what I want/need around me. Escaping into other people/things is a way to distract from creating MY beautiful life.

It doesn’t mean other people can’t be a part, in fact, for me they are necessary in every way. I’m writing a fucking book about partnership, for fuck’s sake. I thrive in partnership above all else. It is the key to my everything.

(We are so fucking close to being done with the partnership book, btw. My co-author, Mark, and I have created a beautiful relationship, which is what the book is about. And it did start with us being hyper-fixated on each other for a period of time, and then subsequently led to discussions and agreements around it. There’s a huge section of our book dedicated to the topic.)

I know I don’t need to wrap this all in a bow, which is good because I don’t have one.