The wild thing about shame is how quickly it dissipates when it is exposed to the light.
I am in my 12th year as a full-time coach, and I have had the privilege of meeting hundreds of people. Not just meeting, but being deeply let into their worlds, if only for one hour, but many more than one in most cases.
One thing I have discovered, is that everyone has a secret.
Technically, according to a secrets expert I listened to on the Mel Robbin’s podcast, the average person is holding thirteen secrets.
They spoke about the impact of doing so, why we hold secrets, and what we stand to gain from letting them go.
Obviously, the vast majority of secrets are kept because of shame.
And shame… wreaks havoc on the body.
I was listening to this podcast because there was a shame-filled secret I was considering sharing with my husband. As I lay in bed with Mel Robbins jovially questioning her guest and sharing about her own secrets she had disclosed in the past, my gut began to roil.
As if they could hear me, they began discussing my exact situation.
Don’t you love it when that happens? When the universe makes it so blatantly obvious. No need to reach for deeper meaning in the seemingly innocuous, this was a blaring neon sign being sent through sound waves directly into my soul.
And as the guest spoke of the physical manifestations of secret keeping in the body (including illness) the nausea in my belly steadily grew.
I was unable to sleep at all.
Instead, I stayed up all night mentally rehearsing what I was going to say. Because I knew, intuitively, that I had already chosen to reveal my secret, and that the nausea was not going to leave until I did.
Given that I had already spent the past week eating very little and experiencing consistent digestive issues, it would behoove me to hurry tf up and get this secret out of my system.
Once the sun rose, I zombie’d through the opening moves of the day, thinking wearily about whether I could or should try to handle the conversation on no sleep. Perhaps wait till tomorrow?
As that thought crossed my mind, the nausea increased, and my body began to tremble
No, my body said, it’s time.
I was just on the verge of vomiting for the next few hours, until I could get my husband alone.
Once the house was empty, I went down to where he was… and what had previously been fearful hesitation had become steadfast assuredness that this conversation was going to happen immediately.
“I need to talk to you about something.”
He said okay and followed me to our bedroom.
We got situated, and I began to speak, words pouring out of me that had been said a million different ways in my head all night long. I tried to remember the bullet points I wanted to hit as if I was giving a coaching talk.
Once I reached the most upsetting thing I needed to say, I started sobbing, gasping for breath.
That was the moment when my husband smiled.
He smiled.
What?
How are you smiling right now and why aren’t you raging with anger at what I am telling you??? I LIED TO YOU. I DECEIVED YOU. I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. IS THIS A TRICK? ARE YOU SO ANGRY THAT YOU’RE PRETENDING NOT TO BE? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS OCCURRING RIGHT NOW?
He proceeded to gently tell me to take some deep breaths, and that everything was going to be okay.
I sobbed hardest, then, relief pouring over me in tsunami waves.
He started talking about how, while he hadn’t known the explicit details of what I was sharing, he was not surprised or upset to hear it.
He reminded me that, when we first decided to date, I had told him all of my worst qualities and insisted to him that I was not a good person, and that he should not trust me.
Back then, he had looked me in the eyes and said, “that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
In the fourteen years since, I have broken his trust a number of times.
And every single time, he has forgiven me, citing that he signed up for this specific journey with me, and he was in it for the long haul.
Still, I endeavored to convince him that he should be mad. I continued sharing details I hadn’t said yet. He continued to smile.
Finally, he asked me, “other than being kept in the dark, what impact has this even had on me?”
“Well,” I said, “I have been very careful not to let it directly impact you, which has eaten up tons of my energy. It has depleted me. Made me distracted. Hurt my business.”
“Ah,” he said, “so THAT’S really where it impacts me.”
Money has been tight this year. It has been a huge source of stress and disconnection for us, as we support not just our daughter, but extended family as well.
Time has been limited, too, and so my adding anything to be distracted by is a sort of side-betrayal of our commitment to growth.
“Well,” he said. “You owe me, then.” And then he grinned. And then he laughed and said, “fix it.”
“I will.”
We then had a conversation about how this whole thing was really about my own relationship to my principles. Dug around in that for a while…
Decided that the principle I had most discarded here was around clear communication.
With myself, with him, with the world.
I am often not clear, in my speaking and actions, about what I want and need. About what works for me. And I end up with situations and people that really don’t work for me, no matter how much I try and contort myself to fit them.
Every new wave of realization made me cover my face and groan with embarrassment.
“You can go ahead and be embarrassed about the pattern repeating, but it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. It just is. And if you keep giving it all this power, it’ll keep running you.”
I then decided to share with him one other thing I hadn’t told him, which was that… up until about a month ago I had been having a complete existential crisis about whether we should be married. And I shared with him my biggest sticking point, which he received with 100% grace, and then we talked about ways we can both be responsible for shifting that part of our relationship dynamic.
As astonishing as the beginning of the conversation was, this brief part at the end is what I keep going back to.
I shared a sticking point that I have been mentally toiling over for YEARS. I have talked to therapists, coaches, friends, family. I have “tried to talk to him,” …but not necessarily in a clear and direct way.
And I had decided that there was no way to get through to him, which is something I am sure everyone reading this can relate to. When you are just hell bent that someone can’t hear you/won’t receive it/will never change? Yea I was fucking hell bent.
But then… in a moment. Through simple, direct communication, we had created a plan to resolve it.
That’s fucking magical, you guys.
Like… wow.
Could the simple secret to healthy relationships be clear, direct communication?
Surely not, that seems far too easy. But then… it’s not easy.
Because we make meaning where it doesn’t exist. We tell ourselves false stories, repeat them, tweet them, solidify them through song and sing them on a stage in hopes that the person who hurt us will hear and then apologize and promise to change.
When in reality, all we need to do is communicate directly.
Sometimes, that looks like having a conversation.
Sometimes, that looks like removing yourself from a situation that does not work.
I did both yesterday, and on the other side, I feel like I just dropped into a new timeline.
The multiverse may be the hippest new device being used to revive dead franchises, but tbh I still think it’s fun and I am ready for my new universe. Which, so far, seems flush with love, acceptance, joy, power, and abundance.
If anyone out there needs their own timeline jump, consider saying what you’re not saying. Consider being clear and direct about what you want and need. Consider disregarding your seemingly solidified stories about what is not possible for you.
And in doing so…
so much juice and fire in one place!!!
Also just wanted to acknowledge how artfully you've articulated the juice and fire without so much as a smidge of the actual "content" of the situation ~ shows how unnecessary and in our heads that stuff actually is. So excited for you in this new Universal timeline! <3
i love everything about this so much!!!! ❤️🔥